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A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

How do we overcome our anger?

 

 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

January 18, 2013 at 1:22 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Basically, to overcome our anger we have to no longer feel defensive, no longer feel threatened or trapped. To do that we have to out think the person with whom we are angry at. Lets say it is your sister, 'how could she, who does she think she is, she has her nerve.' She has done something you think she should not have done, crossed your boundaries, lied, or said something you feel she should not of said. You have two choices. One is to see her as a life threatening force, which means you are in real danger and need to fight her back, or two, you can see her as feeling so threatened and helpless that she feels she has to fight you back for what ever perception she had of your actions.

 

In the first stance you are helpless, in the second stance she is helpless. In the first stance you need to fight her, in the second you need to help her. In the first she has the advantage, in the second you do. Our nervous system is a one way street, we are either aggressive or nurturing, not both. The stance you take determines your gut response. It is really as simple as that.

 

But what about circumstances, you say, they are real and are dangerous. Who said? But I could loose a job, you say, or loose a friend. But who said that is life threatening? I am not saying it can never be life threatening, but I am saying it usually is not and people fight for false dangers. You have to look at yourself and see what assumptions you are saying about your world and your safety, your assumptions may not be so true. We often trap ourselves by the way we are thinking and from that entrapment we feel threatened more then reality really is. Go from here and let me know how this fits your circumstances.

January 21, 2013 at 10:19 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

So you are saying the first step to overcome our anger is to THINK about why you are angry at the other person.

 

That is interesting. How often do we really stop and think about why we are angry and what the underlying issue really is.

 

The one of the very first interaction in the Bible of God and Man is about anger.

The story goes like this: Adam and Eve had two sons. The name of the first was Cain. Cain was a farmer. The name of the second son was Able. Able was a keeper of the sheep. In the process of time, Cain and Able brought an offering unto the Lord. Cain brought some of his fruit to give to the Lord but Able his brother brought the best fattest firstborn lamb that he had.

God had respect unto Able's offering but not for Cains. This made Cain very angry and his face showed it.

The Lord asked Cain, "Cain, WHY are you angry and why is your face fallen? If you do well you shall be accepted but if you don't, sin crouches at your door. It desires to have you, but you must rule over it."

God didn't tell Cain not to be angry...he told him to deal with his anger.

The end of the story is this Cain didn't deal with his anger instead he murdered his brother. He suffered the consequence of his sin in the end.

 

What do say is the next step to overcoming our anger?

 

 

 

 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

February 8, 2013 at 2:20 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

The next step after identifying your reasons for being angry is to challenge your assumptions that underly your reasons. So lets say your sister wants something from you and you feel she is threatening your comfort zone. How dare she make you uncomfortable, she has her nerve. And if you are uncomfortable it is a bad thing that she has done and she needs to be chastised. You are angry or upset with her audacity.

 

Lets look at why you may be angry. You feel uncomfortable and feel that is bad. But is it? She is not making you uncomfortable for the pleasure of it. Even if she were there is more to it then that. What would drive her to do that? She too must be uncomfortable at the root.

 

But lets go back and look at why you are uncomfortable, at the root. She is not the source of your feelings of being threatened, your own insecurities are. Why so insecure you ask yourself. Because life is not fair, others have it better. OK, but ask yourself, 'so what.' Then ask how can I make life seem more rewarding, what do I really value? Once you define that go for it. Yes, life can get even more uncomfortable for awhile. But underneath you have the comfort of a more meaningful life, hope of getting somewhere, and you realize you are not trapped anymore. You are working toward something of great value. Uncomfortable is not so overpowering anymore.

 

If your sister made you aware of your insecurities it is not a bad thing. You now know what is trapping you and you look at how to get out of the trap of meaningless activity. You are now learning from situations rather then getting angry over them.


February 8, 2013 at 12:53 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

So you are saying that after acknowleding and admiting that you are angry, one should look self and change perspective.  It seems when we are angry, we place the blame on other people.  The phrase we say when we are angry is that "You make me so angry"...No instead of trying to blame it on the other say "I make mysel so angry." I think that looking at the root of the issue is worth trying. What is the next step?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

February 22, 2013 at 1:27 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Well, you need to change your perspective until you no longer feel trapped. So lets say your sister has insulted you, called you a loser. When you look at why you bought into that, why you feel you are a looser, you can either change that view or accept it and change your life so you no longer are a looser. 

 

So if you feel your sister is wrong, that you are not a loser, you may want to look at why your sister feels that way and how you can help her feel otherwise. If she is the one that feels like a looser you can either help her feel she is not or help her no longer be a loser. Or you can help her change her view of you.

 

If we could work with an example that you come up with I may better be able to stay on track.


February 26, 2013 at 8:02 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

 Well, let see, if someone cuts us off on the freeway and gives us the bird, how do we not react with anger?

Or this: what if you go to let's say a store, how do you not react with anger when the clerk has been downright rude to you. Or this: if you ask for information and they respond in a way that makes you feel stupid...

I guess the question is, is how do we not respond so quickly with anger?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

March 3, 2013 at 9:04 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Remember anger is a response of fight you get if you feel attacked or trapped. So you want to change the way you think about others actions. If some one gives you the bird you have to consider the source. If a two year old gives you the bird you do not get angry as you know they are ignorant as to what they are doing. But so is the adult who gives you the finger. Their response is very immature. A teenage boy, a panicked adult, a jerk, what ever, just recognize your reaction is of fear or shame and then let it go. But if the person is after you you need to think how to get out of the situation alive and safe and sound. So don't get angry and provoke them further. You want to diffuse the situation.

 

One way to think of it is that if they were wise and mature they would not be rude. Even if you are the dumbest, ugliest, and most unfortunate creature that ever lived they are ignorant not to give you all the dignity that any living creature deserves. Worms, walruses, my dog, a new born baby, it does not matter, nature gives them the same treatment to live and flourish, even those who are rude. And, yes, we must respect them. Yes, we feel hurt and it helps to react in turn. We can think the bird, hide the bird, but not give the bird in any form that would disrespect them.

March 5, 2013 at 10:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Jane
Member
Posts: 4

I was feeling a great deal of anger and resentment twards a person and their actions, til one day I looked at them, and thought they looked seriously ill. I then remembered that this certian indiviual has a desease, that at the moment is active and unchecked. At that very moment I felt empathy, because although I have the same desease I have continued to have a daily repreave for over 15 years now. I no longer habor anger for this person, but empathy and understanding knowing what it is like to live, and act out in fear.

March 7, 2013 at 6:13 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

First let me apologize for not answering you sooner. Then I want to commend you for your observations and deductions. You had a very wise moment of deep understanding. Empathy keeps us from getting angry. Our nervous systems is a one way street. We can nurture or we can get angry but we can not do them both at the same time. As long as we can feel empathy our anger is gone.

 

To act out of fear, that statement reminds me of a comment my youngest son told me this morning. He has a touch of agoraphobia, he inherited it from my mother. And he said that he felt agoraphobia was from a hyper sense of awareness. Whether it is the cause or the symptom it struck me as an interesting comment. Agoraphobics, who have lots of fear, are more aware of possible dangers, even if they know they are absurd, then others. Or we could say they are more aware. What do you think?


March 9, 2013 at 12:56 PM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

I think agoraphobics are aware of more but it seems unfair to say they are more afraid. Wouldn't you say that anxiety is different from fear and that they have more anxiety then fear? Just how do you think fear and anxiety differ? I mean if agoraphobia is inherited as you say then it is not exactly fear of reality or caused by reality and I think of fear as being invoked by something in the environment. What about you Jane, what is your opinion? It seems a bit confusing to me.

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March 12, 2013 at 7:42 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

People can be born with anxiety, inherited. It is a chemical thing where some people feel the symptoms, some with fear and others without fear. The ones who have no fear may just get nauseated and dizzy in crowd, it is still called agoraphobia. Makes you wonder if it has to do with perceptions or the senses, much like a person with autism. So anxiety, fear, and agoraphobia are separate but interrelated in some ways, at least in some symptoms.

 

Some say that agoraphobics are the second easiest people to hypnotize. So the logic is then that when they have fear or anxiety they may be more suggestive to connecting it with danger, that they tend to believe their cognitive interpretation and connect the symptoms with fear and danger and so do not learn to ignore the symptoms. Sometimes with young men they have all the symptoms but they want to be brave and so they learn to be in crowds and go places and just ignore the weird feelings. When some people with anxiety feel no fear, or even have panic attacks but do not contribute it to fear, they just continue on and with an attack lay down where they are until it passes and continue on. Their symptoms seem to pass faster and even go away with time. It seems like the body gets its wires crossed and in time does better if fear is not centered on. What do you think?

March 13, 2013 at 10:21 PM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

Do you know what my greatest fear is? I sometimes have these dreams, I am in the middle of a war. And I am with others in the dream and they are going to kill someone. My husband or some relative betrays me and tries to stop me from escaping. Now what does this dream mean? I get scary dreams a lot.

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March 19, 2013 at 10:56 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Jane
Member
Posts: 4

I was taught that fear is learned, and anxiety CAN be engrained. I'm no expert by any means. I have experianced fear that simply turned out to be my imagined outcome of a situation. I can only face my fears, even if I am shaking. A very wise elder Native American once told me "When your going through Hell... Keep going!'' I have reminded myself of this when I feel fearful. This is my life, feelings, and emotions. No one can live it for me, and I wouldn't want to miss a moment. Not even the fearful ones!

March 19, 2013 at 5:46 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

To Realsister2: Dreams can be caused by emotional experiences such as tragedy or sour relationships. Or they can be caused by eating too many stimulants such as coffee, caffeine, chocolate, or medicines. Then the mind makes a story out of the anxiety or tension caused by physical things. You may feel trapped by a relationship with betrayal and with the added stimulus magnify the emotions to scary dreams.

March 19, 2013 at 11:52 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

To Jane: My cat insists on sitting between me and the computer, and her paws will cover the key board and mouse pad. So I hope I am not making too many mistakes. It is hard to see when she shoves the screen so far away.

 

I agree that fear can be learned and certainly we can learn to magnify it such as ruminating over the fears of things that have not and may not happen. Anxiety can be inborn, or learned, we can learn to magnify it. Fear and anxiety are inter related, only our language separates them. Throw in worry to the mix too. Fear of course is a chemical brain and body function, babies have anxiety, fear, and worry.

 

I like the saying the Native American elder told you. If you don't keep moving you can be frozen or burned depending if hell is hot or cold, up North hell tends to be cold as ice. But if you do not dwell in hell your fears will not grow. Action always gives us more courage to keep on. There is another similar Native American saying: An old man was puzzling in his mind at a street corner. A young man asked him what he was struggling with. He said he had two dogs in his head, a white one and a black one, and they were fighting. The young man asked which one would win. The old man answered, the one I feed. So we do not want to stop and feed our fears, anxieties, and worries.

 

You seem to be a positive person who enjoys life. There are a few moments in my life I would rather have not lived through such as the anxiety of having cancer and the passing of loved ones. But really, the bad times seem to force us to think, grow, and improve our lives. So you are so right in the long run. Tell us more about yourself.

March 20, 2013 at 12:14 AM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

I never thought about it, but perhaps you are right. I do notice that certain medications give me a disturbed sleep. And I do get angry at my husband. He is a good guy, he just does not seem to understand that I need more attention. At times I feel abandoned. I never feel trapped unless feeling abandoned makes me feel helpless and so trapped by the feeling. I though I had dealt with it but the dreams still come. I try to be optimistic and look forward. Should I be concerned?

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March 20, 2013 at 10:38 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Probably not if you are not suffering in the day. Dreams can pull from the past, anything that has been entered into our brains. As long as the dreams are not too frequent, not keeping you from restful sleep, not interfering with your mental or physical health. Dreams can be the clothing of our emotions designed by the irrational. What do you think about the symbolism of dreams?

March 22, 2013 at 11:47 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I like Jane's story of the elder's to"Keep on going". When everything inside you wants to quit and to give up...keep going.  When you feel depressed or discouraged, keep going...Even when you feel angry at your circumstances we can never give up...we have to keep going.

I read a book one time and it said over and over..."Feel the fear and do it anyways."

Dr Ruth, I think that we have to be careful when it comes to trying to interpet dreams. If a dream is giving you a message, you will know the interpeterpation and you will not forget it. You will hear it loud and clear. A lot of spiritualists and mystics and astrologist and such will  give meaning to the symbolic. What is your interpetation? Do you belive in symbolism?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

March 24, 2013 at 8:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

You and Jane have both enlightened me. When I was a single mom I felt I had no choice but to go on. But I see now it is really a choice.

Symbolism is a common language, certain symbols always mean the same thing over time, like icons. I don't think the mind is that mechanical, nor that consistent. I think the brain grabs images that are closest to the emotions that are there. Sometimes it is sounds in the room or outside that it grabs to create the dream. Yah, there is some universalness across time and geography, but I think it is fuzzy and common to many only because our stories and family experiences are similar. A dream does not tell us something, as if it is a third person with a life of its own. But we can look at what has been bothering us and see which object, person, or event in the dream the brain picked to express that. Do you think I am too down to earth to get the mystical enjoyment of believing dreams are superhuman?

March 26, 2013 at 9:16 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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