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A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

If Happiness is a state of mind, I choose to be happy. IT sure beats the alternative.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

February 21, 2012 at 12:50 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Almost everyone chooses to be happy, but its all the other choices in their lives or the result of others actions that make happiness hard at times. We can not always be gentle and happy, I believe Jesus weep, got angry at the table changers, and suffered for the world. Happiness is a state of mind but we need to engineer our personalities and situations to allow it to exist and at it's best. What gets in the way of your happiness? Do answer me, do not just spout sayings and ignore everything else. That can be rude and do not say everyone should just be happy and ignore your actions that may hurt them.

February 21, 2012 at 2:33 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I agree with you that happiness is a state of mind. I find that if my inner world, my inner thoughts are content, peacful, forgiving, full of faith, loving, caring,+positive that I can maintain a spirit of strength. When dealing with others what can I do to bring about these positive feelings in them. If I am angry, rude, selfish, wanting things my way, I am unhappy. Have you ever noticed that when we are positive that people around us pick up on those emotions? Same when we are negative. When I notice that my emotions are on the negative side, I do my best to change them. It may take a while to get back in balance, but changing your thinking and actions to alignment makes it so. At least we have HOPE that it will.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

February 23, 2012 at 9:02 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

You asked how to make others feel happy inside. You also mentioned an answer, HOPE. It is not always easy to engender hope in others. Sometimes people loose their hope because they feel trapped. So what do we do.

 

First we must find out what traps them. It can be real, imagined, or a flashback from the past that has emotionally trapped them. So we have to ask them what is hurting or discouraging them and then set back and actively listen to them. It is called active listening because you will be actively trying not to take what they say personally if it is us that they feel trapped by, and we have to actively listen for the emotions and data around the emotions that has overwhelmed or trapped them. We will actively indicate with gestures, our eyes, or utterances that show them we are following them. When we see the emotional problems we may ask if that is what is hurting them, or just reword the problem in our own understanding and words and let them correct us.

 

That is just a beginning. We can ask for clarifications, details, or other questions that help us understand better and/or help them understand better. We can ask about logic or irrational thoughts. Be careful, we are not challenging them but only adding some input. Their feelings of dignity and safety in our judgement of them is utmost important. We must give them all the dignity humans deserve and at all times. We do not solve their problems or give advice per say but we help them untangle the thoughts that are entrapping them in a state of hopelessness. When they find their way out of the traps they will regain safer happier thoughts.

 

If they really are trapped in a situation we may have to help them see that that situation is only temporary or is alterable. Again we are suggesting not promising. The situations vary so much it is hard to say in detail what may transpire. No two situations are ever the same. Has this helped any?


February 24, 2012 at 1:34 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

A lot of the elderly people feel trapped. The nursing agency tell you not to get to close or personal, but I have found that if I sit on the side of their bed with them and ask them what is really troubling them that tell will tell you. Talking relieves their fears and worries. Agreeing that getting old is hell and laughing with them tends to lift their spirits even if for a moment. Proverbs 17:22 says that  A merry heart doth good like a medicine but a broken spirit dries the bones.

Isn't this what psychology is about... helping people feel that there is hope in their lives...listening to them and helping them change their stinking thinking, and attitudes?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

February 25, 2012 at 4:24 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Sounds good, counseling psychology is about helping others lead a full life, even at the end. It takes a special person to be close and personal with people you are helping in the nursing homes. When they talk to you their brains produce hormones that help them feel better. To deny people that small comfort is harsh. To talk to them adds wisdom to you, they are people that have lead a long life and gained insights. A nursing home is like a history book. It has a lot of tales to tell and lessons to learn. Good for you.

February 27, 2012 at 12:32 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I know that we all have tales to tell and lessons to learn! We have all had to go the the school of hard knocks!  Some people deal with these hard knocks with bitterness and resentment. You can see it on their faces. or hear it in the tone of their voice,

I think that Forgiveness brings Healing.

What else do you think helps Heal peoples emotions?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

March 1, 2012 at 2:40 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Believe it or not, talking about it in a safe environment and being as fair and forgiving as possible produces hormones in the person's brains that ease the pain and help them heal. It is natures way. Counseling is something that helps, and it is not mystical. You could say counseling helps the person process in a normal natural way. It helps them (1) perceive life better, (2) not fear as much but love more, (3) sort out thought to plan a better life, and gain knowledge to (4) act better and thus get better rewards from others. Counseling helps people process in a fair way to self and others.

 

Friends can do this for others if they are not emotionally invested in lying and deceiving but are sincere and fair. A healthy person counsels others in a healthy way. To help others we must constantly look at our own reactions and learn to perceive better, be empathic, think better, and act better. We can not help beyond our own limits. Does that help?


March 2, 2012 at 5:58 PM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

I think family life helps us feel better, also hanging with friends and even strangers, talking about what ever comes to our minds. It takes away the loneliness and adds joy. In that sense we go beyond our limits and help each other in ways we are not even aware of. Do you think that is the herd instinct? Do you think down deep we live for others or we are not really happy?

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April 8, 2013 at 10:56 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Good point, if we do not live for others what is left but dirt, trees or plants, insects, animals. And in that sense stuff means very little. Perhaps we like to collect stuff not for stuff sake but to compete with others. So in that sense we are living to compete, to help them compete back, and in that sense we are living for others. Statistically we vary, there is the average person who needs others and then 50 percent need them more and 50 percent need them less. Yes, I think family life is a genetic need as family life helped our species evolve. And so did the herd. There is safety in numbers and so those who got pleasure from family and community survived more and so did their children. In time the number adds up to most people wanting family, friends, and neighbors and talking about anything and everything. Good points Realsisters2.

April 10, 2013 at 7:41 PM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

In your way of thinking, how does family life help our health or should I say, happinsess, hope, and healing. You got those four steps. So use them to answer me. I want a more concrete answer. And don't just quote others. I want your view.

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May 29, 2013 at 12:27 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

With my family...There is happiness. Happiness when I go to visit and happiness when I get to leave! I feel like the lady in the  Mervyns store ad except I am on the other side of the door. Instead of saying "let me in"...I am tapping the door with my family standing around saying "let me out!!" Just the thought makes me smile.

God created us as social creatures. We need other people for balance.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 29, 2013 at 1:53 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

OK you guys. Lets answer you both. Like most things, there is pros and cons. The same with a family. There is nothing better then a good family and not much worse then a really bad family. A healthy family brings happiness, which brings hope, and both bring healing to the body. When I am with healthy family I find excuses to go see them, I bask in their positive healing interactions, and I look forward to the next visit. 

 

When I visit a segment of unhappy family, I experience the same as Joyful Messenger. I kinda get some pleasure out of seeing them, but when the newness wears off and the dread moves in I want to run and enjoy escaping. But then I enjoy trying to figure out why the experience was such a bummer and try and think what could of made a difference. Then when there is nothing better to do I will go back and try again.

 

How I process it is to think of the four basic steps of everyone's personality, their way of perception, their emotional experiences from the past, their basic belief systems, and what they are capable of doing or not. That includes looking at their strengths and weaknesses, their abilities and disabilities. I do this with their functional Upper Nature (seeing reality, feeling safe and loving, believing in the greater good of all, and good habits) and their dysfunctional Lower Nature (their lies, greed and fears, weird thinking, and bad habits) and try and figure out which one they are presently operating from. Then I try and think what I could do to help them maximize their strengths and Upper Natures when I am with them and what to do to minimize them acting out of their Lower Natures. I do the same type of thinking with myself, how to handle myself.

 

But there are times when it all caves in into chaos. OK, I have this sister who, like us all, can be in either her Upper or Lower nature. Being sisters, we can really get on each others nerves and want to scream and run away like the wind, or we can have such fun we don't want to end the visit. What we do is try and stay in the Upper Nature, present with our best perceptions, emotions, thoughts, and actions.

 

But what sometimes happens to block what works is we get real comfortable with each other and one of us will share how we feel about something in our lives that is a challenge. I can handle her woes, but she can not handle mine. I think she begins to vicariously live my woes and then begins to tell me what to do as if I am her. Advice can be a tricky thing. It is like a gift from our hearts and we give it with strings attached, those strings are our expectations of what they do with the gift. She begins to throw her gifts to me right and left, and I dodge a lot of them because I have already tried the suggestions. But the advice keeps coming and the strings begin to entangle my nerves. I want to say stop. But when you refuse gifts their heart is hurt. Pretty soon the advice is push and shove until I am ready to run from the humiliation of being treated like a child who knows nothing. But she is my sister so I don't. Then the strings begin to pile up until we are both ready to explode with anger.

 

How I get on her nerves is to challenge her thoughts and actions and begin to bypass her and do it for her to prove my point. Then she feels like a child and the wrath of the Lower Nature is un leached in all its might and/or ends in tears.

 

Well, that happens. And we both back off and lick our wounds and try to figure out what went wrong. We just couldn't keep our big mouths shut until its was all over. That is the Lower Nature boiling up. So we both back off and try and figure how to put a lid on it. Then we start over. With time the good times get longer and the bad shorter.

 

Sisterhood is a lot like a marriage, you either give up or try again. One leads to stalemate and the other to learning how its done successfully.

 

Do you two have a similar story?


May 29, 2013 at 9:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

My similar story is marriage. There are times when we are very happy. Then there are times it seems like pure hell. I guess by not giving up on the marriage I have matured. I no longer get angry and want a divorce. I don't want to start over with another and go through the same stages. I try to figure out what went wrong and what I can do to change it. I tell my husband and he seems to not understand. It is a stalemate. Is it fair that I change and he does not?

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June 10, 2013 at 10:00 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Another way to look at the question is 'is it fair that you change and mature and he does not?' In other words you are the one who has benefited. Perhaps he is not able to grow in the same way. Perhaps nature has not blessed him as much as you have been blessed. We often see a problem from the perspective of our suffering and forget to look at the benefits we get from overcoming our pain. We also may forget that the perpetrator or cohort in our pain may not get the the same benefits of trying to overcome their pain or bad behavior. Instead of looking at it as 'how dare you not understand' we could say 'I'm sorry you can not comprehend and overcome.'

June 12, 2013 at 12:23 AM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

Well, if we only feel sorry for husbands, friends, or strangers that are rude, or take advantage of us, when are they responsible for their actions? We shouldn't take the blunt of their "limitations." Don't we have rights too? They will take advantage of us, stomp all over us, enslave us, or use and abuse us. We can not depend on the goodness of others.

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July 2, 2013 at 11:15 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Yes, we have rights too, but can not always claim them. When others are rude and start to take advantage of us we have to set boundaries. We have to let them know where they must stop. Sometimes we can talk about it. Other times we have to get help from others to set those boundaries. That is where the police or other authorities are designed to intervene. If that does not work we may have to leave the situation. I guess you could say we have to decide if starting a conflict is worth it or not, we have to look at our risks, potential loses, and decode if it is worth staying or doing more. Nothing comes easy, not even others behaviors or the consequences of their behaviors or ours.

July 3, 2013 at 1:43 AM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

You say nothing comes easy. So when does life happiness with hope and lots of healing? Are you saying we are doomed to misery, constant blocks to our efforts, and on going injury? I want happiness, hope, and healing. How do I get it?

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July 4, 2013 at 10:43 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Sorry, I did not answer sooner. I have been traveling and over concentrating on the things and people around me. I will answer your question. I do not know your habits so I will answer in general. The first step is to eliminate any deceptions you may have, any lies you tell yourself about the world and nature. No more negative glasses to look through, no more having fun tearing apart every positive thing others say. People call it, excuse my language,  'shit covered glasses.'


The second step is to quit fearing the future, no more dooms day thinking. And replace it with feelings of love for nature, people, and the future. One has to give up the 'me' and its 'mine' way of thinking. A lot of people are unhappy because they do not have more stuff.


The third step is to believe in something, like a religion. Hope and faith come easier if you believe life is in the hands of a heigher power. This is why one of the 12 steps of AA is to believe in a heigher power, it takes away our limited thinking that we know it all and it is all bad. Also we must quit blamming others. If we expect others to solve our problems by shaping up we will be frustrated and dependent on their actions. We give them the power and they may not even know it.


Patience, humility, and taking action on a project puts the brain in gear. The brain is goal oriented, so if we do not have any projects to work on we are more prone to feel helpless, useless, and bored. But our projects have to be loving and not aggressive. Aggression gives us adrenaline and it may entertain us for awhile, but it leads to negative perception, fear, doomsday thinking, greed, and dead end actions that lead to nowhere. 


In short, we must be in our Upper Natures and not our Lower Natures to be happy, loving, hopeful, and not bored. We have to look forward to projects that feed our passions. If you are more specific I can be also. Hope this helps.



July 9, 2013 at 11:40 AM Flag Quote & Reply

realsisters2@gmail.com
Member
Posts: 259

I guess I was thinking more about happiness, hope and healing coming easier. It seems like a lot of work. Why so much work?


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July 10, 2013 at 9:45 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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