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A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Me whining: "But I don't want to..."

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 6, 2012 at 11:39 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

That is good advice, 'get off your butt and just do it.' 'Stop and Behold the Underlying Truth.' I like that one too. So my friend, just start, with little doable steps and you will get momentum. After all you do a lot of lousy little jobs only to scrap up just enough to live. You are use to the unpleasant but not use to doing your passions which bring a lot more pleasure, motivation, and satisfaction if you only let yourself begin. Do not see it as a luxury, see it as a necessity. Universities are use to poor students, they specialize in them, they make things easier for you because of it. It is a community that is there to help you succeed.

 

Here is what I tell those who are too anxious to proceed. Break it down into very easy steps. If any step or task gets you anxious set it down until the anxiety subsides and then start again, a few moments to a day. Never let anxiety build up to the point you will give up for a long time. Let the project be only that, a project, once you have proceeded far enough to make it a full reality that will be an easy step and at times easier then to turn back and forget it. Let the projects become a part of your life, then the anxiety subsides, the newness is gone and familiarity soothes your actions. Yes, there comes a time when it is easier and more pleasant to proceed and it seems right because you gave the brain and nerves time to adjust and make the plans seem natural. 


August 7, 2012 at 11:14 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Dr Ruth, I know this sounds repetitious...but I am already in fininacial debt. I owe over 10,000 in credit cards, I owe the IRS, I am barely working to servive and yet here I am  faced with more debt to futher my "dreams" It is a nightmare! You can talk about dreams and passions but you fail to talk about the finincial debt that one must incur. That is what is causing my anxiety. I am not sure that I want to go that much deeper into debt. Where is the justification?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 10, 2012 at 1:07 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

There are several ways of looking at debt. One is to see it as selfish and with guilt, how could you live off others. Don't forget it takes two to go into debt. And the other is richer, financially wiser, and earning money off of you.

 

Another way of looking at debt is you are making others lots of money, and being robbed at the same time. Shame on them. What is your obligation to be a victim. Even if you go into bankruptcy they are making money off of you. It is set up to do so. IRS is similar and so lets us leave it be.

 

A third way of looking at it is, debt is inevitable, life is give and take, and take and give. We are all interdependent. We are not islands unto ourselves. And most people wish they were only 10,000 in debt.

 

One does not have to go into debt going to college. You are use to taking care of yourself, you are use to poverty. Most students live in poverty, and you have practice doing that. With grants or with free colleges the only thing you are doing differently is taking time to take classes. Once you get there you will finger out how to juggle it all. Everyone does, and you seem more cleaver then most.

 

Your choice is to continue to live in poverty with no hope of getting out of it or to live in poverty and go to school with the hope of getting out of poverty. And, you are fulfilling your passions and the demands of your beliefs and you will contribute to society and help others.

 

Now do not say some go to college and do not get a job. There are also people who get rich and loose it all. Don't trap yourself with negative thinking, it leads to depression. Never give up.


August 11, 2012 at 12:21 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I hate to say it but your right again...It just a pain in the butt! Do you hear me whining again?..."But I don't want tooo...wahhh!"  What I am finding is that It takes a lot to figure stuff out.

I wish I could have someone take me by the hand and say here you go baby, this is how you do it....Take this step then the next...BUT that is not how it goes...you are kicked out of your nest and told to fly. If you have never ventured out of your nest or spread your wings, you look at your mum and say You want me to do WHAT???  Guess I am being told to just do it...

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 16, 2012 at 5:05 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

What affect do you think bitterness has on health and body? 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 16, 2012 at 5:07 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Devastating, can cause inflammation which can cause diseases. Like Chinese torture, the constant drip of bad and bitter feelings eats away at self esteem, motivation, sociableness, and health. Positive affirmations help, they may not solve the problems but people that are positive live longer. Almost all people who live over 100 and are in good health are very positive people. Try it you will like it. You could say bitterness is telling us to look for something better.

August 18, 2012 at 11:29 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I have a sister and friend that are very bitter people. it seems like their bodies are falling apart with this arthritis or with this or that pain. Their faces seem to have more deep worry lines. Their behaviors around people are unsociale. How do you make them understand that their behavior is making other people not want to be around them, thus perpetuating thier negative bitter feelings?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 20, 2012 at 12:14 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

There are about 66 books written about this subject and compiled into one book. It is a very deep subject indeed. The book was written by numerous scholars over thousands of years. Psychology was born from this book. It is called the Bible and its subject is how to live and interact with others. Not an easy subject.

 

The basic solution in the Bible and in Psychology is empathy and love. That helps calm them. Then you have to look at how they perceive the world, how they feel (fear and love) about themselves and others and the world, how they believe about the world, and their habits and addictions and reactions. Slowly and methodically all of these four areas have to be improved to work better. That is different for every person. They have to learn how to perceive more accurately, feel more adaptively and to love, how to think about the world and self and others, and how to act so that they make better decisions that lead to engineering the environment, themselves, and others for better results for all.

 

Meanwhile, all we can do is to look at our own perceptions, feelings, thoughts, and actions and do exactly the same, improve on them. That is what my web sites and cartoons and personality test is designed to do, to give you a model to follow. It is the ultimate puzzle of life. Break it down into smaller steps or questions and we can begin. Take an incident and we can start from there.


August 21, 2012 at 1:14 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

There needs to be balance in life. When there is no balance, emotions go out of wack. People experience many different emotions. It is frustrating to figure out which emotion is at play and which nature are these people operating from. I think that many people experience bitterness when they give and give and get nothing in return. What do you think?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 29, 2012 at 2:18 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

I think you are right. But if they are not bitter and have given given and given that perhaps they are getting rewards you do not see. A mother gives a lot to a sick child and may seemingly not get much back. But her love is her reward. It renews her. Same with a father, many men give and give and are not there to receive much, but their emotions and philosophy sustain them.

 

Soldiers give and receive little, but their philosophy may sustain them without getting bitter. Those without love or a rewarding philosophy may get worn down, or perhaps a person has a philosophy that makes them bitter.

 

Victims have a reason to be bitter, or people that have been victims in the past and have flashbacks of the abuse with seemingly non victimizing circumstances. Then again some people are bitter their whole lives as their body chemistry is out of whack from birth because of genetics. So I guess you could say there needs to be chemical balance and love and philosophical balance.


August 30, 2012 at 10:57 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Sometimes it is good to have a backbone and stand up for yourself instead of allowing others to walk all over you. There has to be a balance. If it is not family you are dealing with there has to be limits. I don't take crap from anyone. Mess with me, my money/paycheck, or my family and I will fight or quit. My friend just accepts their treatment as if they need love and compassion. "Go ahead, hurt me, it's okay. I will accept your treatment of me and I won't say anything about it. I will hurt alone and cry alone." I shout do something about it.


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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

September 11, 2012 at 1:58 PM Flag Quote & Reply

[email protected]
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Posts: 259

Sometimes it is good to not exercise one's backbone. I thought you were the religiouse one. Christ said to turn the other cheek. He died on the cross for our sins. If we are to be more Christ like then we need to stop and turn the other cheek. Also to decide to act against another takes a lot of judgement of who they are, and what they are doing. Does not the Bible say to get rid of the plank in one's own eye before judging others? You said there needs to be a balance. Who is to say what the balance is? Thats a judgement call.

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September 12, 2012 at 12:30 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Yes, there needs to be a balance, a balance between the two people. Everyone is different. People see, feel, believe, and act differently. To understand why anyone does something you have to know these factors, their perceptions, past flashback emotions, philosophy, addictions and habits, AND the situation they are in. That is a lot to know about another to determine if they are acting wisely or not. Also we have to look at our own perceptions, emotions and flashbacks, philosophies, habits, and situations to understand our own biases in interpreting others. That is a lot to know. If you can begin to describe all the factors in all of these areas then you can make a half decent judgement as to why things happen the way they do, why others act as they do.

 

Looking at my model, we need to look at our own and others perceptions, fears, passions, beliefs, habits and addictions, our own limits, their limits, and our own talents and theirs, that can or can not fit the situation. We are looking at best fits for the realities as we see them. Then we can have a half decent  judgement of the situation as to fairness. Faulty thinking is when we know what we believe and excuse ourselves for our behavior but do not know why another does as they do but blame them for their behavior because it is not what we would of done.


September 13, 2012 at 11:25 PM Flag Quote & Reply

[email protected]
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Posts: 259

That sounds like a lot to know, can you make it easier to follow. Or better yet, what is the logic behind your group of things to look for? How about a little story or something to help the memory and tell me what steps to take next. Word can be impressive but really quite meaningless. To follow through with your ideas seems to allude me.

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September 17, 2012 at 11:50 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

My family is out of wack! They are always arguing and fighting each other. It is borderline insane! I do not participate in their way of life. I just try to be empathic and listen to their troubles. I do not take sides or participate in their fights. I see how bitterness has ruined the health of its members and made them much much older than a normal person their age.     

I wish I could take a magic wand and wave it and there would be love and peace surrounding their hearts like glitter you see in the movies. But back to reality... I am trying to be more perceptive and look at their situations. I've learned over the years not to take things too personally. I cry my  tears and move on and not allow bitterness to be in my heart of hearts. I've learned that forgiveness given even when not asked for is much better than holding a grudge in the heart.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

September 17, 2012 at 12:50 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

LIVE IS A DANCE


Yes, let me take it step by step. A conversation is like a DANCE. You should not move until they know where you are going. There can be common traditions that dictate your next move or it can be rules of engagement that the two or three or more of you have set up. If you are pushy with your emotions, beliefs, or actions then you are pushing them and there is no dance. If you do not move at all in any of these areas then you are stopping the dance.

First when you say something people hear your words and then have to decipher what you are getting at. There is the usual common meanings, so if you say to them 'lets do a certain task,' the task has rules, first steps first, not too fast, not to slow. If this other person is depressed, will, it will go slower and you have to look for signs that tell you its ok to proceed with the dance. If the person is younger or older there are also rules on how to proceed. The younger one may need more encouragement or the older more respect. If the other person knows more about the task or less then you proceed differently. If the person is related you should have a tradition of what works well, if they are a stranger you have to proceed slower and observe their emotions, belief, or behaviors. 

 

The cues you pick up will tell you if you are succeeding gently of not. If not you have to rethink and go slowly and politely to hear for the unspoken rules of the dance. If they are getting emotional you need to proceed with caution, if they are telling you their beliefs about the task be sure and listen and take it to heart. If they are proceeding to do the task their way perhaps you should let them and not try and do it your way unless it supports what they are doing.

 

A dance is not done to do it with perfection, to get it over with as fast as possible, or to do it to prove anything. The dance is a two person activity in which each person proceeds gently waiting for the other person to concur with each and every step, concur emotionally, intellectually, and in action. When we do that they in turn will look out for us too and the conversation will be pleasant. If we rush others chaos ensues, if we go too slow they get disinterested and walk away no matter what we say. 


If you are having a lot of trouble with family members you may want to look at what you are doing that is out of sync with them. That will vary differently with each person.


September 17, 2012 at 7:10 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

If it is truely a dance...that is why we get our toes stepped on once in a while! ouch!


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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

September 19, 2012 at 5:51 PM Flag Quote & Reply

[email protected]
Member
Posts: 259

Yah, your toes may get stepped on and that is easy to see, but what about looking at the toes you may step on. Ouch, you may say, that I just stepped on your toes. You say you do not participate in the fights in your family, but doing nothing is doing something, it is called passive aggressive I believe. The glitter you talk abut that you wish you had is called love, apologies, attentiveness to their needs, or just acknowledging their pain. Not just looking on but uttering a sign of acknowledgment.

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September 20, 2012 at 11:17 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Joyful Messenger, sometimes people dramatize their pain just to get it out and acknowledged and nothing more. So if we under dance or over dance it insights more pain, just like in the dance. If you under dance they may repeat the complaint but louder, just as a dance partner may tug a little harder to get you in step. If you over dance and pull them around they may tug the other way to get you to slow down and be in their pace.

 

But as you say, sometimes they just want to do a little ditty by themselves and twirl around and express their inner thoughts and emotions. It does not mean they are changing the dance nor that you need to tug them back or forward, it may only mean they want to relish the moment and do a few extra moves. Thats ok, do not mistaken it for lifetime styles or traditions. So if your family is bitching about something let them know you are listening. Don't try and redirect them nor lock them in. Just observe and you will see little signs that say 'ok, enough bitching, lets move on.'

 

Now if two or more of your family members are in the dance of arguing there is not much you can do but observe and wait for their dance to end and wait for the moment to move on. Until they give you the sign that they want to move on or talk about it and explore feelings you are helpless to do anything. Don't take it personally, they are just not ready to talk, and may never do so. But thats ok. If you do not move on without their cues they will be fine with you. If you feel awkward and helpless, well, thats ok and do not let it eat at you. Thats part of life. We are not always allowed in the dance. If you try to barge in, the dance becomes a war dance.

 

Previously you said you silently cry at these moments. That suggests that when excluded you are having a flashback of some sort and probably from childhood. Perhaps feeling abandoned or helpless in a situation that could have gotten worse. You mentioned your childhood was unpleasant at times. That is very hard on a child and can seem like life and death issues to them, certainly overwhelming. We have to stop and say to ourselves that we are no longer children, no longer trapped in a world of confusing giants, and that we can wait for others to compose themselves and come back to the dance, and they will. Am I touching on anything that makes sense?

September 20, 2012 at 12:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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