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A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I have a family member who has asked me to do something for her and I have agreed and I do it in my time. But because my time is not her time, she is becoming demanding. When people become demanding, it makes me want to quit. It makes me a little defensive and resentful. I want to say to her “Just leave me alone”. But I just put up with her demands and stew. What to do?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 12, 2012 at 1:02 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Rah!

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 12, 2012 at 1:03 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Well, we have to make decisions based on the overall picture and not just small or fleeting situations that come and go. A lot of times time is not indiscriminately imposed by others for no reason other then their whim. Often others sense of time line is decided by circumstances and realities beyond what their natural laziness may really want. So they may seem demanding when in reality circumstances and others may be what is demanding. We can see others as evil or as people like us that have to have deadlines and respond to situations beyond what we or others see.

 

We have to look at the larger picture and not expect others to be totally carefree in a world that is not ideal. If we do not we can be bitter and stew. But nothing gets better. To get better we have to see beyond our present limitations and theirs and be flexible. If we do not let the rain run off our backs we soon have a heavy burden to carry. And we carry a lot of water from the past when we were children and did not know how to let it roll off.


July 13, 2012 at 11:50 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I've been thinking. I am not a person who follows deadlines. I would make a horrible secretary. I avoid jobs and situations that demand that I do so.  
Sometimes I think that people who are demanding are working from fear and panic, The more fear they fear, the more they panic, the more their pleas for "getting the job done now!" sounds like a demand.
Maybe you are right, maybe it is a parent who was demanding and mean that makes me want to avoid demanding jobs, demanding bosses, demanding deadlines. It make me want to avoid and take flight. Hmm.?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 16, 2012 at 11:39 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

There are two ways to look at life. One is to run from and the other is to run to. The first smacks of fear and the second of joy, fun, and frolicking and adventure. As a kid I had learning disabilities and I struggled to keep up with other kids. Not so much from fear of not succeeding but from the thought that I wanted to see what was out there and available for living. Fear is always there, it is part of human nature to fear. But it is also part of human nature to strike out and see what is around the next corner, you want to tap into that.

 

If we feel trapped by a job or by another circumstances we tend to get depressed and fall into a rut of being trapped by. We have all had lousy jobs, the next job should be closer to where we want to be. If we are on the path that we want, then the demanding bosses are just temporary noise we will soon leave them behind when something better comes around, and it will come around because we are searching for it, we are not trapped. If family trapped you as a child you may be afraid to run to your dreams, then you try only to run from the trap but to no avail as the trap does not have a door to escape through, that door is searching and running toward what you want. Deadlines are then opportunities, stepping stones, school, tests, papers, they all are in the right direction and not a trap.


July 17, 2012 at 11:47 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

When people put demands on you and try to control and manipulate you, It can make you angry or depressed. You can feel a range of all sorts different emotions. I guess it is how we respond. When people are on different paths they say things or do things, and make you feel like you are wrong for being on a your own path. They want you to be on the same path as them. It kind of reminds me of the crab pot.

When you have a bunch of crabs in the bottom of a bucket, one eventually wants to get out of the pot. They want their own path, they want to be free. Back in open water. but what happens is when the crab that wants to be free starts to climb out of the bucket, the other crabs in the pot pull them back down. I wonder how that crab felt.
I wonder if he, if he were human, felt bitterness because he was back in the bucket, on the wrong pathway. etc. I wonder if he after a while still wanted out of the pot or did he just accept his fate....?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 18, 2012 at 12:21 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Sorry that I missed your reply. I will answer it now. I love your example of the crab pot. All those crabby people that demand from us and pull us back into the pot of despair. You really do feel trapped don't you. Psychologist call it learned helplessness. When we are pulled back into the pot repeatedly we learn to give up and not try. Depression follows as the brain begins to shut down. 

 

Thank goodness people can be more resourceful then crabs. We can cooperate and boost up a member crab to hang onto the top or rim of the bucket and make a ladder for others to crawl over us and out the pot and then to pull us out after the last one is free to do so. This is what a functional family does. But it sounds like your family only pulled each other back to the bottom. And so there you sit feeling helpless.

 

Your first step to freedom is to change that fatalistic view and have some faith that you can get out of the rut or the pot. That first step will do wonders to begin to get your brain to looking for solutions. You are a very cleaver person with a good mind when you use it on a task. Solutions are out there, you have to look, think, and risk trying. Like clay you can mold solutions as you try this or that, you have to work it. Until you try different things, and constantly, you will never mold your future. I think I have more faith in you then you do. So let me be the bridge to try and pull yourself up and over.


July 20, 2012 at 12:21 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Who's talking about family here? I am talking about controlling manipulating people. Those who want you to be like them,  those who place demands on others.
You say I have a fatalistic view but I am a realist. I see things that I can change and try to change them-when it is realistic or I am able to do so. Kind of like the saying or serenity prayer: "God help me to change the things I can and give me the wisdom to know the difference."

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 20, 2012 at 3:43 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

You wrote on July 16, 2012 at 8:39 AM:

Maybe you are right, maybe it is a parent who was demanding and mean that makes me want to avoid demanding jobs, demanding bosses, demanding deadlines. It make me want to avoid and take flight. Hmm.?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

You say you are a realist, and you may be, but it does not mean you see and use every realistic opportunity out there. You may be blind to some of them because of 'childhood experiences'. You may be passing over possibilities because you get down in mood and feel there is no more open doors. The serenity prayer I think goes like this, 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.' Wisdom to know the difference is the key line.

 

I think you can look again and find more ways to freedom then you have so far. If our lives seem to be too full of things to do we can learn to juggle better, create small windows of time for pursuit of passions, and by doing so have more energy to carry them out, and by trying we find more and more windows of opportunity. BUT we can not expect all great things to come immediately or it will seem like nothing is working. 'Rome was not built in a day.' Nor was it built by one person.' Sometimes we have to put up with demanding persons because they are making the Roman roads that our chariot will roll on to our Rome.


July 21, 2012 at 12:11 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

This is what I have told Realsisters2, it may pertain to you to:


Time is our perception, it does not exist, it is the moment with no beginning and no end, it just is and always will be. We perceive time watching ourselves build and grow or distort and disintegrate. So time never seems to go the same speed. We get caught up in something and forget to keep track and so time goes fast, or we are bored and it seems to never end. So it is with our sense of free time, that we have none for ourselves when we are so caught up with the demands of others. But there is always bits of time to steal for ourselves, 15 minutes here or there, time to think and plan as we are driving or eating or doing routine things so that we can act fast and efficiently when we are free for those 15 minute breaks from others. Many a writer has written their books in their minds before putting it down on paper a little bit at a time. To feel trapped and in our survival mode because we are so rushed by others is to do a disservice to ourselves and we begin to blame others rather then to look for our moments to build.

July 21, 2012 at 1:00 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Your last statement is why I choose to avoid demanding people. I choose to do what I want--give me time and I will perform, put me under presure and I say "Forget about it" (in the Godfather's tone of voice of course). I will find the time to do what I want...slowly but surely.

I think that people get stuck in "time" Some are so focused on the past and thing that have happened to them, regrets about the things they didn't do or should have done or simply remembering things that felt  good and some are so future oriented that they live in a la la land. Live for today! We serve a living God who gives us hope for tomorrow and grace about the past. Today is what counts. What we do today does affect tomorrow too. So Live! With wisdom.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 24, 2012 at 11:34 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

My last statement states that we allow ourselves to feel trapped and go into our survival mode and blame the others. We do not need to blame others. What does the Bible say? God set up the demands, we are to be servants to others. Everything we do is future oriented, prepare self and others for the final days. You know, that is quite a demand. Blame God not others for putting demands on you. Be the servant and if you feel the need to yell then yell at God. Meanwhile do not get stuck in time and feel you do not have time to do what you really want to do. If it is godly it is what you need to do. If going to college to serve others is on your schedule then do it. 

 

So we learn from the past, live in the moment, and prepare for the future. Earlier you stated you had no time, today you state you will find the time. Do I take that as progress? 


July 24, 2012 at 12:44 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I suppose you make sence. but still:
Demanding people: those who make you feel small so you will get the task done for them is not how God operates. God gives us freewill to choose his way. If we follow his way then we are blessed/rewarded. If we do not follow his way we are cursed/punished.
I am not blaming the person. They are the one with the problem. How I deal with these type of people is my problem. Reaction.
As far as being a servant, yes God says to serve others but Jesus also said to his disciples in the same breath "I have called you friends." Maybe that is what I am expecting from the person. Friends understand each other.

The price of a college education is almost out of reach. I will have to commit to being $40,000+ in debt in student loans. These debts cover only tutition not living expences: ie food Gas, shelter, car insurance, phone, etc. etc.  I'm am debating what to do, Man's economy says Yes! Go deep into debt for your future. God's economy says"The borrower is servant to the lender (Pro 22:7) "Owe no man anything but love one another.(Rom 13:8).

 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 26, 2012 at 12:02 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

You have different Issues here. Let me answer then in order:

 

(1) You imply that Demanding People MAKE you feel small.

BUT they do not, you feel they do from past experiences when you were small, a child, and felt helpless. Now you can choose not to!

 

(2) You imply that God does not operate or talk to you through Demanding Others.

BUT its your perception that they are demanding, they may of been begging and you see them as the enemy when in deed they were asking for Mercy and God may have spoken though them for you to be merciful.

 

(3) You state you need to control your reaction to Demanding Others.

BUT it is also your perception that they are demanding and perhaps you need to improve your perception with a loving heart.

 

(4). You say you expect other to be your Friends.

But perhaps they are your friends but you see them as not being so because you perceive them as being Demanding instead of being Needy.

 

(5). You quote Romans 13:8 as not going into debt. Owe no man anything but love one another.

But this passage is telling them they should pay the magistrate what is owed, sort of pay your civil debts when due, NOT that you should never borrow as it is part of life to have bills. Love is a constant debt to others, it never ends, so we must pay our bills. It does not say you must not ever incur a debt, only that we should pay them on time if we can, love should push us to pay debts.

 

Remember the verse where the servants were given money, the one who invested it was the godly one, the one who only hid it and did not grow it in investment was the ungodly one. Investment requires risk and debt.

Do want me to suggest how to get into college even though you are penniless?


July 26, 2012 at 1:36 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I think you are  very unfair with your asssement of your perceptions of me!
I am a very giving person. I try to help if and when I can. I give it my best. If the person who is asking for help is rude and demeaning, I still try to help. I think that is what you call love? I am not to be blamed for their negatativity. I am still learning how not to react in anger to other peoples negative attitudes.
If you knew me you wouldn't blame me for my perceptions. But you don't know how I think or feel.

Yeah, Yeah...Go deep into debt...Borrow now and pay later. It will help your future earnings.I am already booko bucks in debt. How do I justify adding more to my tab?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 30, 2012 at 3:26 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

It is easy to blame others and be bitter. It is hard work to become a better person and change our perspectives of people and circumstances but it is worth working towards.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 30, 2012 at 3:34 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Your are right, I can only assess you by what you say. I am glad you are forgiving and that you help others and that you are learning to not react in anger to others persons negative attitudes or to see them not as negative but as hurt. Better to be better then to be bitter.

If you do not want to borrow to go to college you want to pick a large college or large university because there usually are more opportunities. Best if you live near one but if not you search for a large group of people, such as christians, that live in a large house and share the rent. Or you can go to the registrar and ask about posted jobs to live with some one and help them with children or with their health or to be their companion.

Apply for grants. There are work study loans. They front the money and you work it off during the term by odd jobs such as cleaning the library, counting beans in the horticulture department, etc. There are different jobs in the different departments. You can apply to do digs and clean bones in the anthropology department. There are a lot of odd jobs to find. Or you can tutor, type papers, fix cars, sell crafts, …..you never know what all you will find. Various papers are printed on campus for that purpose. A large university is a community of thousands.

There are also scholarships that are given to various types of students, such as single moms, or students in certain subjects, or nationalities, handicaps, ….the list is endless, ask your librarian for the books that list them all. Apply to even ones that do not apply, if they are hard to fill they often give the money to others who apply. So even if you are not a French christian boy in the Math field with a rare disease they may grant you the money because no one else fit the bill and they need to give the money away for tax purposes and you were their next choice.

The bottom line is go there and look around. Remember the verse, seek and you will find. Or get grants to study on line and do jobs as you now do.


July 30, 2012 at 12:14 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

You still have to borrow to pay the tutition of these large colleges. Tuition is $15,000 or more. The max amount of grants the government gives is $5500.  The rest is loans. The odd jobs you are talking about would be for gas, food etc.

It was just announced yesterday that many of the large universities in California have lost their "need" grants, which is about $1500, because so many of the college graduates are in default with their student loans.

The American dream of a college education has become the nightmare of the many who are unemployed with  BA's or Master degrees who can't afford to pay their student loans.

I will look up the scholarships you are talking about. Thanks for your advice.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 1, 2012 at 11:05 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Research it better. There are cheap universities and free ones. Try the article on 13 cheap schools. http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/11/09/cheapest-colleges-13-standup-schools-that-cost-less-than-5-000/      Brigham Young University is one of them that is less then $5,000. They accept students of all religions. They expect better behavior from students, so there is no parties going on. But industry loves to take their graduates because they know they are better behaved. Also google free universities.

Check out http://diplomaguide.com/articles/10_Colleges_and_Universities_with_0_Tuition.html These are in the USA, there are a lot of free universities in other countries, esp. Europe.

The University of Washington and Washington State University will help you go tuition free. They are listed in the above web site. 


August 2, 2012 at 12:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Sorry, I have not had the time to get on the computer and check out these websites. I will soon. I have been so busy.

There is an acronym for the word little word "but"...B.U.T. "Behold the Underlying Truth.

We tend to make excuses for things we really do not want to do."I would have gotten on the computer but...I have been so busy."  I guess what we all have to do is to minimize our use of the word "but" and really get off our butt and just do it.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

August 6, 2012 at 11:38 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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