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A Joyful Messenger
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Posts: 296

It's kind of like the movie the God father:" Don't take it personally, It's just Business. I have had to learn that. Not taking things to personally. They are not your "friend"...it's just business.

There is nothing you can do to make someone like you or treat you better. You can be kind to them...You can treat them with respect. 

Bitterness can sets in when you take things personally.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

June 11, 2012 at 12:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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But how in the world do you not take it personally when it is your husband? I do not want to be just business! Then I feel like I am just one of many, or no one at all. Now, that does not make a good marriage.

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June 11, 2012 at 4:08 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Intimate relationships are by far the hardest because you are dealing with another persons perceptions, feelings, beliefs, and action that go deep and back into their childhood. And we barely understand ourselves more or less someone else. It is the hardest thing you will ever do.

 

To be objective you have to have solid ground to stand on. If you have ghosts from the past bugging you they will drive you crazy as they project on to your significant other and hurt to the core. So you have to know who you are, be confident of who you are, and have future plans that are meaningful enough to help you through your doubts and feelings of entrapment. You need to be working on those plans at all times even if it is just the thinking and planning stage. Keep your mind grounded on meaningful things and the universality of good and of doing good. You have to rise above the moment, esp. if painful, and see the bigger picture. Religions help you do this. You have to have faith in the overall plan of the universe and live itself. Then the pain a loved one places on you is not so big and threatening.


June 11, 2012 at 9:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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Wow, all of that? You know what I think, I think if I do all that I might just up and leave him. Why stay with him if I don't really need him? Oh, dear me, when I say that I begin to think the pain is from need not from unfulfilled love. Or maybe its more realistic to say unfulfilled love causes the pain making me needy. And if I do not need him there is no pain. This is confusing. If my child were to leave the pain would not go away no matter how confident I was. But with my husband the pain would be different and so would my healing if I am more confident. What do you think I am talking about?

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June 14, 2012 at 12:44 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

It sounds like you are suffering a bit from an abuse cycle. He ignore you, so you feel pain, so you feel you need social interaction to help with the pain, so you try and get his attention, he ignore you even more or gets irritated and you feel even more pain, each time you approach him and the cycle goes on and the snowball gets bigger. He may be suffering a cycle from his childhood. He wanted his mothers attention and she ignored or hurt him. He tried negative attention, then he gave up and ignored her. Or his mother needed attention and asked a child for it and he felt overburdened. The more he needed her the more the pain. The more you need him the more his pain. You could say they are very similar cycles that run each other.

June 18, 2012 at 3:48 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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I been thinking about what you said about abuse. I think his mother was too controlling and he rebelled and he is doing the same to me. Why the heck can't he just get over it. Why can't he see me as his peer instead of another parent trying to control? How am I suppose to respect an over grown child for a husband? Can't he act his age? Oh dear me, I am thinking like a parent. Why can't I act my age. What is this in us that wants to be a child or a parent and not just two souls living together to solve daily problems instead of old ones? Ok Dr. Ruth, whats going on?

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June 20, 2012 at 11:19 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

People can get in the habit of being defensive if their parents are overbearing. We are creatures of habits. When our parents teach us bad habits of acting younger or older then our years we tend to carry those habits into adulthood and treat our spouses and others the same way. Habits can include how we view the world, how we feel about others, how we think, and how we act. When we have bad habits we have to work on getting use to better habits. 

 

If we are in the habit of not looking for change, not valuing better emotions, of not thinking on new ways, lets say the habit of being stubborn, then we tend not to change. The first step is to be aware of our bad habits, then to value change, then to think about our beliefs that stop us from changing, then we need to practice the new behaviors we decide on. Practice may not make us perfect but it sure helps.

 

June 22, 2012 at 11:42 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
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Posts: 296

What you said is so true and  the good thing is, is we are not stuck staying the same. We can change our behaviors. We can change our ways of doing things, We can become better people. and make better choices. When people hurt us, and are not "there" for us, abuse us etc. We do not have to be bitter.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

June 22, 2012 at 11:50 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
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Posts: 567

Thats what I want to hear, upbeat stuff, good habit to get into. So, are others bad moods affecting you less adversely?

June 22, 2012 at 12:40 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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Do you think it is that easy Joyful Messenger? We do not have to be bitter but it can be a struggle not to be. We can be good as gold but that does not mean others will respond in a good way. They can be real brats about it and ignore all the good we do and still bitch at us for stupid stuff. Yes, we can be better, perhaps the easier part, but it can be really hard not to be bitter when they do not respond in an equally positive way. No matter what you guys say it still hurts and bitter follows. We may act ok but our thoughts will spring from the hurt as a bitter acid and erode our happiness.

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June 25, 2012 at 11:49 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Here is what I think. Nothing good comes easy. It is easier to be negative. For some reason, being and staying positive takes work. We have to actively walk in forgiveness.  People are people everywhere you go. They will be mean, ugly, hurtful, honk their horn at you, say mean things, but how do I respond?
I am quick to Anger, that is my automatic response. I yell back, honk my horn back, say mean things outloud or under my breath...but a few minutes later I am asking God to help me overcome my anger and to forgive the offender. I still need work. A few hours later, I am thinking about the incident. and all the emotions come flooding back...anger for the offence, guilt at how I responded, but then I stop my thoughts and say out loud, "I forgive! I love! I make mistakes, others make mistakes I forgive!" I know it sounds crazy but it works for me. I don't allow myself to be bitter. Yes it takes work not to be bitter but it is an active choice. I choose to forgive.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

June 26, 2012 at 12:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Quick to anger can be panic or it can be a bad habit from childhood, usually, to go straight to fight. The natural response is to freeze, think and then either flight or fight, if no escape. When we grow up, if others do not negotiate but only argue or criticize we tend to forget stop and think and just react. But if it is panic, and the brain shuts down until its gone, we have to stop and let the adrenaline absorb back into our systems.

 

Sometimes we get angry because of our beliefs, we feel others should know better and we have to challenge that belief. We think people should be better then they really are but it is obvious they are not able to do what we want. So we really are getting frustrated at our own faulty thinking. To forgive in this case is to be realistic. People do what they think is right for the time and the moment and if they do not do what works then it is ignorance as to what does work.

 

Which of these (panic, lack of negotiation habit, or faulty thinking) is your MO?


June 26, 2012 at 6:27 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I think that everybody has a bit of each disfunction to some degree-just my opinion.
People are generally self-centered. Life is all about them. When they have a problem, they will seek out your help...but the world be damned and you too if and when you ask them for help. You have entered the zone: Their negative selfish little world. You may receive their help but with protest. It is as if they are forced to give of themselves to you.

How do we react to their selfishness and not become bitter against them?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

June 27, 2012 at 11:18 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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I agree, people live in their selfish little worlds. You too Joyful Messenger. So do I, although, I do not feel as if I really dwell there, perhaps only when I have to deal with others. Otherwise, I feel quit positive and happy. If only I could stay in that cozy little spot when dealing with others. It is like they pull me in.

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June 28, 2012 at 10:28 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

We are born with a positive Upper Nature that is quite open and pleasant. So as babies we would coo and gaga and smile and laugh and enjoy life. We even clung to Mama giving each other sensations of love. That is that positive state we feel when alone or with a loved one who is in the same positive spot. But we were also born with a Lower Nature and when hungry and others were not responding we would pitch a fit. Its called the survival mode but it is not the dominant mode of existence at rest without conflict.

 

Which nature dominates at any moment depends on our own feelings of safe love or conflict. So I would have to suggest that if you feel others are in their selfish little world when ever we ask for comfort or help that you are in the habit of feeling so. That you are in the habit of being pulled in. I say habit because you seem to have a pervasive experience of feeling others do not respond to your needs in a positive way.

 

Here is something to think about. With an infant there is a dance or set of routines between mother and child. They learn how to deal with each other. The babies cry is seen as a need for love by the mother not as the baby being a selfish little imp. And the mother gets her needs meet by sharing love with diaper wearing little creature. This relationship should progress through school years and beyond. We are both the mother and the baby, but if we had bad and neglectful childhoods we can be in the habit of feeling like the neglected child with a selfish mother, and resent other neglected children who want us to be the mother. Then we are drawn into that hopeless spot of selfish others and neglected us.


June 28, 2012 at 12:09 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

This has been on my mind lately. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is more then skin deep. Our society is so focused on skin and clothing that they forget to look deeper. How do we look beyond what the person looks like and see who they really are. I think a lot of women struggle with this issue.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 2, 2012 at 12:15 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Glad you asked. My blogs and web sites are about just that. How do you know a person better. You have to see what they see, feel what they feel, think about what they think and how they process it, and look at what they do and then figure what the heck was good and what was not so good or productive about it. Then you begin to see where they are wise and where they are not. The deeper you go for the patterns and sources of those patterns the more you know about them, can predict them, and the more you can learn from them and help them learn from you. Women tend to be better at this then men, girls more then boys. Where women and girls go awry is when they think others are only interested in their clothes and looks. If certain others are only looking for that then they need to find others who value the deep look and help safeguard them from exploiters.

July 3, 2012 at 11:49 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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Joyful Messenger said it is easier to be negative and that positive takes a lot of work. Do you think that is part of our natures or learned? Perhaps because it is easier to be unfair then to be fair? But there has to be more to it then that. Nothing seems to ever be simple, there is always pros and cons, two sides to the coin, and unless we see both sides we can feel others are not fair or that we are not fair. The old adage, Nature or Nurture, nature changes nurture and nurture changes nature and then we are dealing with more complicated natures and nurtures and it just gets more and more complicated from there. Maybe this is why God said if we eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil we would die. When things get too complicated and we see it still with our simple natures or changed natures we can get odd reactions to odd things.

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July 9, 2012 at 2:38 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

It is true that we have the struggle between good vs evil. We have two natures on the inside. One saying "let us do good and live right" and the other saying "do what ever the heck you want."
It is our choice. It is like the story of the two fighting dogs that a man had. "Which one will win today?" the spectator asked. The prize dog owner responded: "The one I fed the most."

Which nature do you want to win? That is the one to work on to help us be better people.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

July 10, 2012 at 11:16 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

The story I heard was an old Indian man was looking very puzzled and a passerby asked him what was going on with him. He said he had a light dog and a dark dog in his head that were fighting. The passer by asked which one would win and the man replied, the one I feed the most. So our stories are very similar. 

 

I propose that it is actually easier and more pleasant to feed the good one. We tend to go out of our way to feed the bad one out of spite and revenge. Children and babies respond better to simple love and are quite willing to be smily and pleasant back. But if we mistreat them that natural response goes away and is replaced by negative responses. Yes, they have little hissy fits but they tend to be short and fleeting, unless we give them reason to hang on to it. We love our cuddly little kittens and puppies and realize they are congenial and loving, but with humans and their children we tend to see them in the worst of light think people are very sinful and selfish and resentful. We get defensive towards them and we too begin to be selfish and resentful.


July 10, 2012 at 11:47 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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