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A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Becoming better or bitter.

We all go through trials in life. It is our choice whetherthey make us better or bitter. If we learn from our mistakes and forgive then we become better. If we allow hurt and anger to fester instead of dealing withit we become bitter.  I want to become abetter person. I want to forgive. I don’t want to have a root of bitterness inmy heart.

What do you think will make us better people?

 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

January 9, 2012 at 2:54 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

 

Forgiving is putting things in perspective. We forgive a child because we understand them better, esp. if they are our children, and because we know they are learning and will continue to do so. We consider the source. But as adults we expect too much out of others. "They should know better!" But it is obvious they do not. We have faulty thinking about others, we know why we do things or think we do, so we forgive ourselves, but others 'should' know better and so they must have messed up to spite us, or hurt us. So we tend to blame. Blaming is a childish or primitive lower nature reaction. It is the mirror opposite of loving and forgiving.

 

All people do what they think is right for the time and the moment. If they do not do what is right it is ignorance. Often it is ignorance of why they perceived, felt, thought, and acted from their lower nature, survival mode. We were designed to live in the wild where we lived with a few and understood them better because we were of the same tribe or clan. Now in the big city we have lost that understanding of others. Yet we expect them to react as we would and chastise them for being different.

 

If we understood others better we would forgive them as we forgive children because we could see why they did what they did and we could also see what needs to be done to help them learn better, at least better for the moment and situation we are both in. Thus counseling, a counselor stops to gather enough information not to be so judgmental. We all live in such a rush rush world we do not even have the time to be intelligent about it. The past went slower. The dichotomy of life, we use to have more time and a simpler life, now we have less time and a more complicated life. That spells hurt, bitterness, chaos, depression, or anger.

 


January 10, 2012 at 1:56 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Believe

I like this saying:

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. -William James


Behavior:

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on the way down.

Becoming better people by  forgiving/ understanding, changing our behavior and believing in God is a choice.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

January 11, 2012 at 12:07 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Believe life is worth living is another way of stating self prophesy, we project our attitude into the future and build from it. Another old saying is be careful what you wish for, you will make it come true. Beliefs our our blueprints.

 

Behavior is the culmination of our perception, emotions, thought, and just pure orneriness. The last is the lower nature that likes to pop up. If we are ornery to others it will make them defensive and they will decend to their lower survival mode nature and be ornery back. Its an easy tendency to stoop to our lower natures and It is a choice NOT to do that.

 

God is a word for what works with genetic human nature, what we are designed to do to survive overall. Survival mode is not healthy, it is a last ditch effort to survive, not the building blocks of life. If we believe in the survival type life we soon are deadly to others and even to self. We burn our healthy bridges. So go on, Joyful Messenger, and I will translate your sayings into psychological thought.


January 12, 2012 at 1:10 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

There is a little three letter word: BUT

The word BUT means "behold the underlying truth."

I would have excercised today but... I should have cleaned the bathroom but...

Why do we make so many excuses?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

January 13, 2012 at 3:27 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Because we do not design our environment to yield rewards and happiness. If we make things to do 'fun' we do them, if we make it 'drudgery' it is much harder to do them. So the underlying truth is that we make it against our nature to do it.

 

It can be just our attitude. If we think negatively we feel that way, if we take pride in doing something we may feel an intrinsic reward. BUT it can also be we make it too hard to be positive. Our employees would not do the work we require of them free for the fun of it. Why should we. Where is the incentive? We volunteer for things we enjoy.

 

A lot of times if we take things in smaller steps and let the frustration burn off before going back to the unpleasant task, we are more likely to get it done in time. Perhaps we ask too much of our selves in too short of a time. That can be painful. I helped my granddaughters clean their rooms by making a dance of pot shots of soiled clothes to the hamper and who could do it the most creatively.


January 16, 2012 at 11:54 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

The Blame Game. When we go through things such as a bad divorce, or bad break up we have a choice. We have the opportunity to become better or to become bitter.

The game begins with blame. We blame the other in the relationship for all the problems they have caused. We relive all the bad moments and some of the good ones in our minds. Sometimes when memories are bad ones, we go over and over it. It begins to affect our attitudes and actions. We blame the other for our bad attitudes and feelings. 
Then at any opportunity, we (especially women) love to talk about it. It is a vicious cycle.    The more we talk,  the more we blame, the more we have bad attitudes, the more the root of bitterness takes hold of our heart.  Bitterness begins to affect every thing we do.
How do we break the root of bitterness and become better people? Here is what I've learned to do.

1. Choose to forgive. For give your self, for give the one who has done you wrong, choose to love.                                                                                                                                                           2. When the bad memories hit you and you realize that you are in a thought cycle. Stop your thoughts. Say the words out loud: "I love you and I forgive what you have done against me". The brain seems to only think of one thing at a time. The only thing you can control is your thought. After you say out loud NO! I love you. I forgive you. Sing a song or think about something good.                                                                                                                                         3. Only talk about the thing or one who has hurt you with someone you love and trust.  Close your mouth. When you hear others talk about their bad relationship, don't join in with yours. I think healing begins with silence. Remember the more you talk about bad things and what He/She did the more the root of bitterness will grow deeper in your heart. Don't do it.

Become better not bitter!                                                                                                                                                             

 

 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 11, 2012 at 11:00 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

Dr Ruth, I liked your statement above about Belief and self fulfilling prophecy.  How do you council people about bitterness? 

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 11, 2012 at 11:07 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

I apologize for not answering you earlier BUT you had gone on to another subject and I ASSUMED you did not want a reply. Those too words can mislead us, BUT i ASSUMED.

 

You hit on some really good points. When people play the blame game they are coming form their Lower Nature, from Crow the blamer who tries to justify himself by blaming others. When we blame we are excusing ourselves from being compassionate, from going back up to our Upper Nature which sees things more clearly. Once people say 'STOP' to those nagging Lower Nature negatives thoughts as you so well stated above, they can look at the hurt they felt from the other person's actions or words and feel the pain instead of the bitter feelings. The pain can heal bitterness festers.

 

Once people are in their Upper Nature and feel more in control they can begin to look behind the offending person's pains and subsequent actions and see how they too were hurt by something. It really helps people to talk about these pains and hurts and others pains and hurts. When people talk about it the brain creates chemicals to soften the pain, even if their thoughts are painful. As they talk about it they also begin to put their thoughts into a more logical and healing order as they re-enter the Upper Nature.

 

How do I counsel people? Each person is so different, some people are ready sooner then others to look at the perpetrator as a victim too. Once they can see the perpetrator as a victim they can begin to see their own power and strength and not be so caught in the role of victim to be again harmed but see themselves as having been in an accident of human nature and as such able to pull themselves together and go on having learned more then lost. They begin to see themselves as stronger then the perpetrator and as such can out think and out maneuver the perpetrator. Once they are in that position they are better able to nurture the perpetrator in such a way as to help them be better people also.

 

The subject is too broad to really answer. Perhaps you could be more specific about a situation and we could go from there. Awaiting your reply.




May 15, 2012 at 12:40 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

So talking helps to put things into perspective and allows healing. Interesting.

I think there is also anothe perspective: when people talk about their pain, sometimes you can feel the tension, you can feel thier hatred and you can almost taste the bitter acid that they are eminating. 

If you try to listen and give advice, they will turn their acid on you and you will be burned. I think that these type of people would rather hold on to all their negative emotions than allow themselves to forgive and be healed. So they stay in the same emotional rut they are in.

How do you help these types of personalities?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 21, 2012 at 12:16 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Most people when given advice will fail and of course many will blame you. Some are bitter also. This is why counselors do not give advice. It is usually not very helpful. We may suggest different paths but unless it is the choice of the client they will not put enough effort into it to make it work, or they may not see all the factors involved because they are following a recipe instead of learning how themselves. Hands on learning rather then book stuff or counselor stuff is always more involved and personal.

 

To help people out of an emotional rut takes a lot of cognitive restructuring, in other words they need to see what actions, resulting emotions, and what rationalizations they are using that traps them in that rut. Then they can begin to see how to get out of the trap that makes them bitter. Their freeing behaviors will come from them and their new way of seeing, feeling, thinking and doing things. That is so much more powerful then our measly advice that makes sense to us and to our limited understanding.

 

I liked your questions. Fire some more at me.


May 21, 2012 at 3:01 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

You have not addressed the real cause of bitterness. What is the true cause of bitterness and how does it affect the mind, body and self and others?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 23, 2012 at 12:52 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Probably the main source of bitterness is when people feel others have not been fair to them. That they did not get their fair share of stuff or opportunities. They may feel betrayed and trapped by the circumstances others have set up. This causes depression and feelings of desperation and wanting to fight back but not even seeing an opportunity to succeed at that either. So bitterness sets in.

 

Helping these people is to help their thinking that traps them. People usually do not get bitter over the weather as they feel the weather exists and they can not change it. So they work around it. But they tend to believe others can change but just refuse to and so they get frustrated wanting others to change rather then learning how to work around others short comings. This traps them and they feel others are being unfair and trapping them. You get the picture. You have to help them see their logic and confront the logic that is trapping them.

 

If I am not answering your question you will need to give me more information as to what you are looking for. I await your answer.


May 23, 2012 at 4:06 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

You have answered my question. People turn their feeling inward because of their feelings caused by other people or circumstance.  and helping them see their logic  you can help them overcome their bitterness.

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 28, 2012 at 1:34 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Ok, my friend, it is time you analyze how your family traps you and causes bitterness. How would I know? Well, in one of your forum answers you said there was no hope for your family fighting, or something like that, that you had given up. Giving up is loosing hope that others will be fair, and others not being fair can cause pain and bitterness. Perhaps you are not bitter. If so or if not, how do you handle the problem you described? And how can you counsel your family on their bitterness?

May 28, 2012 at 5:06 PM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

I am not talking about my family and I have never said that I have given up. As you well know that we deal with many people who have been divorced or have been molested as children,or have gone throug tramatic experiences or who have family members who just fight and argue all the time or have circumstances beyond their control and they-instead of forgiving, anyalyzing ect. they turn their anger inward and it causes them to be bitter when they remember past events. I say the forgiveness is the key to avoid bitterness. What is your key to avoid bitterness?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

May 30, 2012 at 12:18 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

To avoid bitterness, forgiveness helps, especially if forgiveness is understanding why the other person did what they did, and that understanding gives the power to help the other not be so feisty. To forgive without understanding is to ignore a lot of behavior and continue as if it did not happen, which means you may have to do that over and over, as it is harder to change without understanding and that can turn into bitterness as hope is hard to maintain. Honesty comes first, if one is not honest they can not see or understand what is going on with others.

 

Do I detect a bit of defensiveness? Everyone has family members who are unreasonable and fight, so with your family, generally speaking or not, its there. Most people fight because they somehow feel trapped and so are defensive and fall into their lower nature of freeze, see how to flight, or if can't flight then fight. What traps the feisty ones in your family? Be honest, we all have feisty relatives!


June 1, 2012 at 11:51 AM Flag Quote & Reply

A Joyful Messenger
Member
Posts: 296

What do mean you mean by trapped? and how does one avoid these negative feelings?

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**JOYFUL MESSENGER

June 5, 2012 at 11:56 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

Trapped is feeling you loose if you do or if you do not. There is no out, no way to soften the others hearts. You are trapped by their bad feelings, they will not negotiate, not accept apology, nor consider any new thoughts. They have trapped you.

 

When someone traps you, you can feel like a hopeless victim and get defensive. Or you can look upon their stubbornness as their weakness and not take it personally. You see that they are not the only people in the world that will love you. You know you can survive without them. Then you can see them as needing you, which they do or they would not feel the need to trap you, and you can begin to meet some of their needs so they are not so defensive.


June 6, 2012 at 12:16 PM Flag Quote & Reply

[email protected]
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Posts: 259

Are you talking about my husband? He tends to ignor me all the time. How can I meet his needs when he ignors me and when no one is meeting my needs? I am not a Saint! I do not have time to pray all day and get that loving feeling from devotions. Besides, Saints have other people around them doing the same thing. So they get needs meet by their co-saints. You, know, they are surrounded by nice, let me repeat myself, they are surrounded by NICE people.

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June 8, 2012 at 7:47 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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