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Forum Home > PARENTING > Battle of the Wills

Dadyo
Member
Posts: 6

I didn’t realize the burden of me being gone had on my son. In some ways I am proud of him trying to help out but again feel his anguish. I didn’t think he would feel it so young. As a kid I was teased by other boys for being a sissy, so I grew bolder and stronger. It made a man out of me. I often get caught in the dilemma of being gone to provide for my family versus being there to support their many needs. At times I resent my wife for not stepping up to the plate and putting the kids in their place, or getting a job and helping out with the bills. But at the same time I think I should be able to do it without her help. Being home with family still seems more like a luxury or that it should only be a reward for being a good provider. Christmas is coming up and the dilemma gets worse. I can see why some guys steal stuff this time of year to give their kids a gift.

December 11, 2014 at 3:41 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

I hear you and agree. The dilemma between the civic and domestic world is very real and normal. It is something every man must deal with and find a suitable solution to.

 

The struggle to go up the ladder of male hierarchies starts very early. I have measured it in Kindergartners. Ask them to make a list of who is tough in their class starting with the toughest down to the least tough and you will see a fairly consistent consensus with mostly the same three boys at the top of most lists, most of the girls in the middle and pretty much the same boys will land at the bottom. There is more and more agreement who goes at the top and bottom with each year of grade school. The boys at the bottom are the ones that feel picked on or teased as being sissies as most girls are placed above them. I find that the boys just below the girls are the ones who will fight the most, and fight girls, and as adults more likely to engage in domestic violence. The boys at the very top will defend the girls and protect them.

 

I think it may be a genetic thing from thousands and thousands of years where men had to hunt in groups and were teased or picked on if they could not pull their own weight. The guys who had the most success were more likely to get the wife they wanted. So it was tied in with providing also. I think there is a cultural component also, and that would be how does one define tough. If in a classroom tough is good grades then the boys strive more for good grades. If it is defined as rebel or gang member then the boys will compete in those arenas. In cultures where boys are expected to babysit younger siblings they tend to be less rough and more gentle. I think they compete to be the best at nurturing.

 

So where is the balance between being a provider or a nurturer? It depends on your values, the values of family and friends, peers and what ever group you run with. Too often the group is your job and the boss favors job performance over your family and may set the values of the group to super succeed at the career. And there is no ceiling to the top. It will go up and up to higher standards leaving behind the family. In successful guys the family is often neglected because he is not competing to be the best husband and dad. In a way he does not compete with women and children, only abusers do because they feel they are at the bottom. But the successful man wants the family to succeed and the desire to have the wife pick up and continue his status, financial status, can begin to erode his marriage unless she happens to really want to work and compete too.

 

 

All relationships require time and effort. So the two, job and family, begin to conflict more and more until you set or lower the ceiling for the job and raise the ceiling on what it takes to have a successful family. When boys have to step up and be the man of the house you can imagine the burden he feels being a kid and not having the resources to compete in a man’s world. He either bullies his way up or flees and climbs the ladder of anti culture, crime, or just being the biggest looser he can be, the most successful underdog possible. Ghetto culture is often based on who is the toughest guy who hates love as love makes him a sissy, makes him weak in a dog eat dog world. Women are to be used and abused and prostituted.

 

The domestic world does not give men a place to compete for status except in love and appreciation. I commend you for setting limits with your job and meeting the emotional needs of your family. You can succeed in both the civic and domestic worlds. You are a man among men who care and who successfully raise their children to succeed at science, legitimate businesses, and professions. There is always rewards of love for nurturing your family, let that reward soften the urge and guilt for not spending more time at work.

December 12, 2014 at 2:39 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Merry Christmas Everyone. I put up a page at http://psychotoons.org/hollidays/ on Psychotoons Christmas Moods for Twelve Days of Christmas. How to get in the Christmas Mood widget by widget.

December 18, 2014 at 11:07 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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