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Forum Home > PARENTING > Battle of the Wills

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

The will is as old as the first living cell. It has a driving will to find food, to survive. Without the will the organism is not as likely to survive. We do not want to break any child’s will by overpowering them with our own. We want to enhance and direct their will with love. What are your Ideas to do that?


September 24, 2014 at 2:51 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

 

The battle of defiant children is all about the battle of the wills, yours or theirs. That is human nature. Children are no different then adults. They want their way. And they will do what it takes of get their way. They watch and study you and then implement their plans. That is human. If you let their ill conceived plans work on and off or all the time you will get a persistently naughty child. When their ill plan works on and off it is very hard to change their minds on it. It is like a gamblers addiction. They do not know when they will win but just that they are bound to win sometime and so failure is just part of the game.

 

The best kept secret is that children want to please you. It is in their nature, makeup, evolution to please you. If it was not, parents would of refused to have children and the human race would of disappeared. So what is the switch, the switch from wanting to fight you for their own will to wanting to please you. Or you could ask what is the switch to turn on their desire to please?

 

If they can get their way by pleasing you, it is a win win situation. They will gladly follow you. That is the switch, not a paddle to whip, but a on and off switch. How do you set it up so they only get their way if they please you? That depends on your personality and theirs. This is where it gets complicated. If the two of you have no personality quirks or problems the switch is automatic. You do not have to do much. You ask in a pleasing convincing way and they do as they are asked without any fuss. “Jonny, would you please go get the piece of candy box I brought you lying on the table and we will open the locked box so you can enjoy it.”

 

“Locked box? What is the locked box? Pandora’s box? Oh, dear me, what are we getting into? Come on now, lets get honest here. You encouraged us and then dropped us.”

 

Don’t fear, it is not that hard. The lock is how to appeal to your better nature. The question then come to, ‘what is your better nature?’ ‘How do I convey to them that I have a better nature?’ ‘Do I have a better nature?’

 

Well, this forum will address those issues.

 

There is really only four things to remember when working with people, your self, others, or children. Improve or change these four things for the better and people and will love and respect you, especially your children, and they will want to please you.They are the four steps the brain goes through over and over like a feedback loop and in this order: Perception, emotional reaction of fear or love, beliefs and plans of action, habits and skills of action. So we will look at and change if possible:

 

1) THE WAY YOU AND YOUR CHILDRE PERCEIVE THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS.

2) THE WAY YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FEEL ABOUT THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS.

3) THEIR BELIEFS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HOLD ABOUT THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS

4) THE HABITS, SKILLS, AND ACTIONS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HAVE TOWARDS THE WORLD OF SELF AND OTHERS.

 

That may sound like a tall order. Not really. Its harder to explain it then to do it. You were by nature designed to do it and to do it with good results. People just sort of learn a few harsh perceptions, harsh feelings, unrealistic beliefs about self and others, and get into some lousy habits. All that may be complicated and vary between people but the process of healing or improving is a lot easier, remember it is natural. You just got to let yourself be natural as it was before you got into bad habits of perception, emotions, thought, and habits.

 

You were born a delightful and lovable little creature. But your hardware, by default, was set to survival mode, lie, cheat, blame, and fight if life did not proceed with loving gentle parents that meet their needs to up to the first three years. The loving Upper Nature of optimistic, loving, trust, and obedience is set as the foundation of their personality or the Lower Nature of survival becomes the playing field for the battle of the wills.

 

But before you get discouraged, the child can heal, the younger the better, but even the rebellious adult can transform. We will go over these issues. Your comments, questions, or input will lead the discussion.

I have started a parenting web sit, https://psychotoonsgrandmaswisdomcoaching.wordpress.com ; I have just given you the first post here. You can follow the web for better explanations and topics and fill out the e-mail form for updates and new tips. But you can also just follow the forum for communicating your concerns or just for reading. 


October 3, 2014 at 4:36 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Dadyo
Member
Posts: 6

DADYO I am the father of five children from an infant to a 15 year old. It is the battle of the wills big time. If I am not stern they will run me over, including the infant. But the worst of the lot is my 13 year old Daughter. She thinks she is an adult and I am the child. It is getting to be a real struggle. I thought girls would be easier to raise then boys but I find my 15 year old son is a breeze compared to Missy. I want to put her in her place but nothing seems to work. I tried being Mr Nice guy. That did not work. I tried being Mr Meanie and that did not work either. Anything in between is just a variation of being nice or mean. I have tried grounding her, talking reasonable to her, or rewarding her. There is no pleasing this child.

October 4, 2014 at 10:25 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Then there are the opportunistic abusers in the streets looking for kids to add to the human trafficking industry, gangs mostly for the boys and prostitution for mostly the girls. Meanwhile, the parents are pulling their hair out trying to keep their kids from darting to the streets. The battle of the wills turns to a serious war between parents and the creeps and criminals in the streets waiting for your kid to bolt. The more hardened, sexual, and angry your child the more they will be targeted. The more polite, socialized, and gentle your child the more they will be ignored. Why? Because the more hardened angry and sexual child fits right into to the street culture of hate love and love hate. All the more reason to be gentle and loving with your child, even if seemingly nothing works.

 

Never allow your children, if possible without taking away their dignity, to have relationships with shady hardened older boys. They can be predators, even if they do not intend to. A girl will usually not accept a boyfriend who does not have her fathers loving standards and gentle encouraging behaviors that inspire her to develop her natural talents and abilities. If that was not there they can fall hopelessly and blindly in love with less then desirable fellows, this is why the street people look for hardened girls. So you have to look at your track record to see what helpful ground work you put in place when they were small and work from there.

 

This is just a starter to help you formulate your next question to me so I can help you look at possible actions to take. And those steps depend on the past actions you took to prepare your daughter in their growing process of assessing what the world is about. What was your relationship to her when she was small? What changed that relationship for the worst? What are her present interests and talents, and NUMBER ONE QUESTION, has she already fallen for a boy and is he hardened or is he workable?

October 6, 2014 at 2:56 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Mumzy
Member
Posts: 5

Ok, Dadyo, if you do not mention it I will. You are way to hard on our daughter. You have not really tried Mr.Nice Guy. I am afraid you are chasing her away. You treat her as if she is a boy, you want her to be tough. She has to fight you back or run away. I m afraid she will run and get into something she can not handle. I don’t want her to be a victim of some stranger in the streets. We love you but you got to be more reasonable. She wants to show you love but you do not accept her as she is. You want her to be something she does not want to be.

October 15, 2014 at 3:34 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Dadyo
Member
Posts: 6

I want her to be tough so she is not a victim of some street stranger. She is only a kid so what does she know about the world or what she should be. That is what parents are for. She wants to be the perfect victim, the ditzy blond, the floozy. I want her to be a survivor. What do you think Psychotoons?

October 18, 2014 at 2:55 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Mumzy is right in saying you may be chasing her away and asking her to be more masculine, if she has to fight you back. Studies show this to be very probable and boys who are bullied by mothers may often act more feminine. She may run from you into the streets and they could make her so tough that you will not want her back. That happens if kids are sucked into human trafficking, be it drug gangs or prostitution. So you want her to stay in the feminine zone, especially if she wants to, but at the same time you want her to be safe. So you have a dilemma.

 

There are more ways to solve a dilemma then to make her masculine. But to do so takes love and discipline with love having the lead. The question right now would be has she became so tough that she will not accept love. If so the answers are harder. If she will accept love the way is much easier.

October 23, 2014 at 7:51 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Dadyo
Member
Posts: 6

The world is a tough place to live. Girls are too love sick and people take advantage of that. Girls need to be tough.

October 27, 2014 at 2:31 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Mumzy
Member
Posts: 5

She shares love with me. But she does not with her dad. She is girly with me but boyish with her dad. I talk to her about her father, that he loves her, but she does not want to listen. Both my daughter and her father are stubborn. Neither wants to give in. I tell him to let it go, to not worry, to leave it to me. But he wants to be heard and feel in control. He feels it is his duty to protect her, even from me.

October 27, 2014 at 2:34 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Yes, girls are more love sick and others can take advantage of that. But women are made that way so they love and cherish their children and so their children grow strong and mentally healthy. If mothers are not loving children will grow tougher and tougher and tougher. Its a never ending cycle of get tougher and tougher. The problem is at the same time children get tough they get depressed, and more depressed, and more depressed. Depression is in epidemic proportions, especially for women.

 

Protection may not be making someone tougher but just wiser. If a child lives near a river we do not make the child tougher but wiser. We teach them the dangers and how to cross the river safely. In order to do that we need to teach children about people and relationships and how to find a good partner and how to raise happy, loving, and wiser children.

 

The best teacher for a girl on how to be a woman is her mother. Her mother is a woman and has learned how to protect herself, perhaps without being tough. Just as your wife wants to love her daughter, so her daughter wants to love her. She will love you also, and I am assuming that is safe for her to do? Perhaps father protection is to show her how a man should treat her, with respect and dignity, and to encourage her to enter the world at the top, not the bottom. Fathers give their daughter a view of the possibilities in the civic life for her, how to be a business woman, scholar, or professional woman. Let her know how to compete as a winner and not as a tough unloving street person.

 

She will go by her father’s standards in regards to picking a partner or husband. So it may be time for her father to show her how a man can be more compassionate then stubborn. Show her the example of a loving father who wants the best for her, to be wise and loving and put empathy before stubbornness. An non-empathetic and stubborn husband can be an abusive one.

October 29, 2014 at 12:59 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Dadyo
Member
Posts: 6

My Dad was strict with me. He made me who I am. If he had not been really strict I would of been really bad. So if I have to sacrifice my relationship with my daughter to keep her on the right track, so be it. She is not going to be one of those teenage moms. I want her to he upright and have a future. I will keep away the boy friends and wrong crowd. She may feel abused and angry but it will save her. Her mom coddles her too much. I think the kid has a boy friend and her mom will keep the secret from me. So I need to control my wife. It gets really frustrating when they both work against me.

November 7, 2014 at 10:24 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Parents activate Upper Nature of awareness, love, thinking, and creative building in their children by using their own Upper Nature in raising them. Or parents can encourage the Lower Nature in their children of lying, greed, blaming, and aggression by interacting with them from your own Lower Nature. Your parents activated your tough Lower Nature and then when you acted out they had to be strict to control what they had encouraged. It can be a vicious cycle.

 

It is hard to keep away the wrong crowd if she feels abused as she will seek out others with the same mood, and they may have been really abused, and take out their rebellion on her. They will be operating from their Lower Nature survival mode.

 

Girls need their dad more then boys, who live in a male world, for guidance in how to be safe in the male world. You show her how to pick good men. She will seek out abusive relationships if her relationship with you feels abusive to her. By over controlling her you will force her to toward a boy for the love she did not get from you. And that boy may very well be operating from his Lower Nature.

 

Her mother is her refuge, don’t take away her only avenue to love. If you stay with your family for love not just duty then you know what I mean. If you try and separate them for control reasons you will be alienating your wife also. The more control you think you have the less control you really have. Like slaves they will have to deceive you in order to keep their dignity.

 

If you can’t beat them, pun intended, then join them. As part of their group of love you will have a lot more control through love. With love as the basis of the relationship your female significant others will want to follow you and will heed your advice.

November 8, 2014 at 12:29 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Dadyo
Member
Posts: 6

I been trying to be nicer, but to be honest its scary. I feel vulnerable. Its not easy and I think they are leary too. I am not sure if I should procede.

November 14, 2014 at 11:34 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Proceed without stopping to get scared. Just be open to change your response as needed to keep them from running away. It is much like driving a horse and buggy. You release the reigns as they get depressed or there is no movement. But if they are bucking you let them go on their verbal tirade until they calm down. Then tighten the reigns as they allow you to without depression or running. This is the moment of gentle control, the only real moments of true productive control. Let me explain.

 

Like an emotional flashback It may be scary as it was scary to be open with your father when you were a vulnerable little boy. One way to become in touch with those old feeling when you were a child is to try writing a letter to him, you do not have to mail it, but tell him all the things you were afraid to tell him as a kid. The feelings are really the feelings of a vulnerable child and not from an adult stance.

 

Another technique is to pretend your your dad in a chair, a real chair facing the chair you are really in. Tell him those fears you had as if you are still that child. Then go to his chair and be him allowing him to defend himself. Repeat this until you are able to get him to say everything is ok.

 

Then you will have remembered the human love he had and confusion he had in raising you. Then tell him you are going to raise your children differently and why they need the love you needed. If you let yourself do this without stopping to think of the right things to say but just letting your emotions unload you may find tears in your eyes. Then you can say to yourself, I am no longer a child and my children are not my father.

 

Now without thinking put your child, you can pretend, in the other chair and say to them what you want to say but always was afraid to say. Let me share an incident between me and one of my granddaughters, she was about three going on four. She liked to play a game of disappearing and laughing to herself at the response of the adults looking for her. She would even do this in public.

 

She was at my house one day and disappeared. This was not a game of hide and seek, she just was not there anymore. A half an hour went by as her siblings tried to find her. I was beside myself in panic as the neighborhood was not the best. Finally her older brother found her and pulled her to me. I was pacing with the aftermath of panic and pointed to a chair and told her to sit down. She obeyed with fear in her eyes that she was going to be punished. She could see how upset I was so she found a whole in the chair and nervously pulled out bits of the stuffing.

 

I calmed enough to go stand in front of her. Our eyes meet and the air was intense. I kneeled in front of her and with tears said, ‘We love you so much that when you disappear we panic with the fear that you have been taken or been hurt. Please don’t do that again.” We briefly hugged each other and she never played that game again. Now she is a successful high school student thinking about college.

 

Try the letter, the chairs, and then without too much thought but seeing yourself approach your child do so and share your inner love that does not threaten but only reaches out. Let me know how it goes.

November 15, 2014 at 12:35 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Mumzy
Member
Posts: 5

Let me tell you what happened. He finds it awkward to relay this. He cried through the letter and the chair with his pretend father and pretend daughter. He went to our real daughter and just hugged her. She had no idea what was going on but enjoyed his loving stance. He actually asked her for forgiveness for being boorish. She was confused but still enjoyed the apology. He has been more gentle and it seems to be working. She is acting more reasonable. But our younger daughter now is acting up. Jenny is twelve. I swear, she is trying to cause fights. Do we have to go through this drama again? I thought maybe she was jealous of the attention Missy got and and so we gave her more. Kindness does not seem to be working with her. It is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. So now what?

November 20, 2014 at 1:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

It sounds like a weight has been lifted from one child and placed on the other. Well, I wonder if there are some family dynamics that encourages an ongoing fight and if one child is not carrying it out the next one will. It would be kind of an ongoing statement to the parents that something is not right. What could the kids be playing out. If you were the child and you wanted to state the main problem of the family what would it be? Some call it a white elephant that is invisible but keeps sitting on someone. So they act out. In a family that has a parent that drinks the drinking can be the white elephant. Some kids will be the rescuers of the family and try and nurture, as your older son, 15 who is so good and helpful. Others will be clowns to cheer everyone up, and others may be the bad guy to take the attention off of the real problem, the white elephant that is drinking. I am not saying your family has a drinking problem, I am just using it as an example. Other white elephants can be sexual abuse, illness of another member, money problems, or attitudes against each other or towards society, there is no end to possibilities. So look for the sore spots, the conflicts of values of interest, the in-laws and outlaws, the secret skeletons in the closet. What political statement might she be making? Another problem to look at is the relationship between you and your husband. Is there issues that could be felt by the kids?

November 21, 2014 at 1:22 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Mumzy
Member
Posts: 5

I have given what you say a lot of thought. I feel the problems arose when me and my husband had considered divorce. It was not over any horrific problems nor in-laws, he was just at work too much. The kids and I felt neglected. I was overwhelmed and felt like a single mom. I think I was depressed. But sense then he has been coming home on time and being a husband and father. But it was about then that Missy started acting up. Now that she has settled down Jenny took up the fight with their dad. Why doesn’t she give up the fight?

November 27, 2014 at 2:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

That would explain a lot. If he was gone children often try and take his place to fill the gap. So they can become overly independent and try and be the man of the house. When Dad returns to take his rightful place there will be resistance. No one wants to give up their safety nets because what if he were to be gone again. They would be vulnerable again.

 

You could say that a bad man is dangerous but a good man is worth his weight in diamonds. A man sets the mood of a family. If he is oppressive everyone must be defensive and protective of self and/or others. If the man is jolly and loving then everyone can relax and be themselves. The same dynamic is true of mothers if they are the only parent, but they usually are not as threatening and most kids will try and get their way anyway. Fathers open the way to careers in the civic world for all his children, its basically a mans world outside of the home so he holds the key to opportunity for sons and daughters, especially daughters.

 

The sense of insecurity, from their dad’s past absence, probably still lingers and will until each kid feels secure. He might try nurturing and assuring Jenny that he will not be abandoning her in any foreseen future, that he will be there for her, and let her warm back up to him. I am surprised that the 15 year old son did not act up or try and control or rule over the house more. Often 15 year old boys try to fill an absent, or passive, father.

November 28, 2014 at 4:42 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Mumzy
Member
Posts: 5

My husband assured Jenny that he would be there for her and she seems to have softened. It is curious that you mentioned our son should of shown symptoms. At the time he was obsessed with numbers, money, and finances. He even went out and got a small job helping a relative for a small wage. I think he was preoccupied. He does try to correct his sisters but they only bulk at him. So yes, I guess he may have reacted but I see it as minimal.

December 4, 2014 at 2:48 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Ruth Currah
Site Owner
Posts: 567

Reactions can seem minimal but often are deeper rather then flashy or noticeable. His obsession at the time with numbers most likely was a reaction to his fathers absence. Boys around fifteen often worry about the family and its finances. They are coming into manhood and mentally trying out their concepts of being a provider. With his father gone the pressure to step into his dad’s shoes can be exaggerated and scary. Some boys bulk and get reckless avoiding the problems, others try taking on the challenge and seek out early jobs for a sense of security. Also males have the extra burden of fitting into a status hierarchy of other males.

 

They may run from the family or try and be the disciplinarian to younger siblings, which will get backlash from them as they want their father instead. So the boys may get belligerent with them. It can happen with the older girls trying to mother younger siblings, if their mother is overburdened, incapacitated or gone. They may or may not get rough with the younger ones. The older and more wise the child, stepping up to the plate to be a surrogate parent, the smoother it may go.

December 5, 2014 at 1:08 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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